We give Oscar nominees a sports makeover
As Oscars weekend approaches, The Daily’s Sports section took matters into its own hands. Our reporter, Charles Curtis, imagined what the Oscars would look like in the sports world — and remade five of the 2011 Best Picture nominees.
127 HOURS
Genre: Medical thriller.
The Plot: The amount of time St. Louis pitcher Adam Wainwright has left as doctors race against the clock to repair the ulnar collateral ligament in his pitching arm before he’s forced to retire.
Also Starring: Albert Pujols as Wainwright’s greedy lawyer, who secretly hopes the docs will botch the surgery so he’ll collect millions in a malpractice suit.
And The Oscar Goes To…: Best Supporting Actor Tommy John, who plays the doctor who discovers the procedure that cures Wainwright.
THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT
Genre: Heartwarming family comedy.
The Plot: New York Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie is running out of funds to support the nine children he has fathered with eight women. Former Tennessee running back Travis Henry has the same problem with the 11 kids he fathered with 10 women. The climax of the movie comes when Cromartie is asked to name all 20 of their collective offspring to win $1 million.
Also Starring: Rex and Michelle Ryan as Cromartie’s hippie parents who walk around barefoot.
And the Oscar Goes To…: Best Music. If there’s any movie begging for a song by Randy Newman, it’s this one.
INCEPTION
Genre: Horror movie.
The Plot: NFL commissioner Roger Goodell figures out a way to go inside the dreams of football fans and plants the idea in their heads that the lockout will be avoided. DeMaurice Smith and his team of mercenaries (including Kevin Mawae) try to stop him. Spoiler alert: everyone wakes up to find the 2011 season canceled.
Also Starring: Plaxico Burress, who breaks out of jail just in time to try to shoot Goodell. He misses and hits his own thigh instead.
And the Oscar Goes To..: Best Writing (Adapted Screenplay). Because this is a much better plot than listening to the endless back-and-forth between the NFL and the Players Association.
THE KING’S SPEECH
Genre: Drama.
The Plot: Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter invites owner Hank Steinbrenner over to his newly-finished Tampa mansion and tries to teach The Boss’s son how to stop running his mouth in front of the press. Steinbrenner throws a few million bucks at Jeter to stop. He does. The End.
Also Starring: Brian Cashman as Jeter’s butler.
And the Oscar Goes To…: Best Short Film (Live Action).
THE SOCIAL NETWORK
Genre: Guy flick.
The Plot: Tiger Woods is socially awkward. He invents a computer program that will make him the greatest golfer in the world. He sleeps with thousands of women but he’s still awkward.
Also Starring: Phil Mickelson and Padraig Harrington, who sue Woods repeatedly for not sharing the program with them.
And the Oscar Goes To..: Best Visual Effects, which is awarded to the plastic surgeons who worked on Tiger’s mistresses.
Credit: The Daily (www.thedaily.com)
No comments:
Post a Comment